MAN O MAN... So I've been listening to a bunch of "whitey" music, as people would call it. However, last night, the sappiness overcame me and I listened to KOST for the first time in a while. As I was listening, there was that yearning for a main dish, but then I don't really want one. I mean, I've never really had a main dish, unless you count, you know, Brian...but that's another story all on its own. And, well, listening to KOST made me think about a lot of things...especially because of the talk that 6/7 of SKT7 had yesterday. And it doesn't help that we were listening to slowjam duets the whole time and we heard "All my Life" going home. Well, according to people, I will settle down first, be the first to have kids...all with my college sweetheart. Yes, I agree that I am someone to take this whole relationship situation seriously, and will probably end up in some long term relationship. And seeing how others' relationships have worked out, I know how to handle what is yet to come. I guess recently I've been listening to other music, that I haven't been able to actually analyze my status. I'm afraid to get close...to get hurt. And when I get intrigued, or in this case, hungry, or when I find a potential maindish, who slowly starts off as salad, I tend to keep quiet about it. Not many people end up knowing who I like. I don't really like my feelings to be shown. But there are those what ifs, yet again, I'm still living in the fear of rejection and hurt because honestly, I've never had a guy like me. At least a guy I liked back. Don't include Brian because I think that boy was a figment of my imagination. And that scares me because I don't know if that time will ever come...you know? Here's something I was reading..it's a past blog of mine:
the convo we had yesterday was another one of me and mari's starbucks moments. it was all about reminiscing and thinking about the what if's. i honestly don't know how to act around guys. when i was in middle school, i was all comfortable about being around guys. and now, since i've been at immac, i haven't had much contact with the male specimen. i don't mind if a guy puts his arm around me, holds my hand, or hugs me...it's the fact that i get tense inside. you know? i don't know that to feel...what to think...what to do. i wish there was a book for this, but there isn't. i've alienated myself from guys for most of my high school life, only keeping touch with some of them online. i haven't had a close guy friend since freshmen year...and now, i don't even know where this boy is. see, i can only see myself as a friend to guy, nothing more; not a girlfriend, or a friend with benefits. i know it's coz i've never had the chance to be any of those to anyone. also, it's coz i have such high expectations. that is what prevents me from a lot of stuff...especially getting close to guys. i'm someone guys go to for advice and a person to vent to, and i don't mind. i honestly don't. with this whole debut practice, i've gotten to know more guys, but i haven't really "known" them enough to trust them...not quite yet. and last night, when i was talking to mari about this whole thing online, she was telling me all the things i knew. i should stop waiting and looking. it'll come to me. but it doesn't really matter, i'm going to be a nun.
Crazy ish, huh? I don't know if I have the same mentality as I did then, but half that stuff is true. MAN, WHY AM I RETURNING TO SAP MODE? argh!
HR: HELP ME!
